


(Q)uote

by LastWill



Series: LastWill's Q/Picard series [3]
Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 04:11:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9961058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastWill/pseuds/LastWill
Summary: When a Starfleet officer goes missing on a colony the Enterprise away team is sent to investigate. Things quickly get out of their control...but not Q's. Jean-Luc finds himself slipping even further into Q's master agenda...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ha! Bet you thought you'd never read a fic from me again! Little did you suspect I never really stopped writing, I just have been taking my time.
> 
> I've had this fic (and the one after it) in the works for months- and I believe it shows because it's so damn long.
> 
> I proudly admit this fic inspired by one of my favorite movies. If you recognize it while you read though give a shout-out to what you think the title is in the comments. I was pretty shameless cannibalizing themes from the plot but I'll give you a few hints anyway: it's a horror movie from the 70's and the remake is utterly loathsome, yet hilariously so.
> 
> Also, there is sex.
> 
> Enjoy.

Jean-Luc accepted the hot tea with a gracious nod. Normally he wouldn't allow refreshments to be consumed during a briefing in the boardroom but he hadn't had breakfast yet and neither had his crew; their morning routine had been interrupted by an emergency transmission that came from Federation Headquarters.

Jean-Luc knew it was only a matter of time before one of these assignments popped up. Their last five missions were heavily scientific which involved observation of planetary transformations. When the transmission came-in Riker could barely contain his giddiness as he requested he take over the briefing.

Not that Picard blamed him for his excitement. If the Enterprise was alive, it was akin to an officer who had spent too much time in the science lab and not enough time on the outside. Ten straight weeks of data-gathering was a proud accomplishment and important work, but it grew rather monotonous and only the most enthusiastic among them carried on with an eager sense of purpose. Everyone else had a slight glazed expression as they took to their tasks.

And that was the reason everyone was taking their seats with earnest around the conference table. Will was rubbing his hands together and watching, sharp-eyed for the moment to begin their conference.

"Commander Riker, please open this meeting." Picard asked. He wasted no time to give his Number One what he wanted once everyone was seated.

"Yes sir." Riker said. He cleared his throat. "Commander Data set a course for NaCove this morning to conduct a search-and-rescue mission. The Federation has had some concern regarding The Three Jacks Colony located on the planet. Approximately one month ago an arbitrator, Commander Kelly, was sent down to contact the citizens of the colony and he hasn't been heard of since." Riker explained. "The colony insists he left them on good terms but are unwilling to provide any satisfactory details of his departure."

"Who are the Three Jacks Colony?" Troi asked.

"They're a privately funded colony from Earth." Riker said as he stood from his seat. He paced the room as he recalled the report from memory. "Orion Gates is the name of their leader, he inherited his position from his grandfather. Although they're registered with the Federation they neither trade nor communicate outside their community. They've also turned outsiders away and have a reputation of being ...unfriendly towards visitors. Not murder or any bodily harm, just a lot of reports from people being 'chased off the planet'." Riker added as Beverly's thoughtful expression turned into concern.

Troi frowned. "Sometimes a remote populace develops an adversity towards outsiders because they've nursed an 'us versus them' mentality." Troi explained. "They believe their way of life is at odds with anyone who's not part of their community."

"If they wish to be a singular society they have that right," Picard said, "But Commander Kelly's disappearance invites our presence there."

Riker had gone full circle around the table and rested his hands on the headrest of his chair.

"The community leaders know the Federation is sending people to investigate," He turned to Troi and smiled. "I wouldn't expect a warm welcome."

"Mr. Data," Picard spoke up. "When will we arrive at NaCove?"

"In 0300 hours, Capitan." Data reported.

"Very good." Picard nodded. "Commander Riker will be in charge of the away team." Picard announced. He turned to Riker. "Make contact with Orion Gates. I suggest you take Counselor Troi and Commander Data to accompany you to assess the situation."

'Yes Captain." Riker replied. He turned to Troi with a playful smirk. "You ready for the field?"

"You mean am I ready to be chased off NaCove by a mob of angry peasants?" Troi teased.

"You have that little faith in my negotiation abilities?" Riker replied.

She leaned in toward Riker and whispered, "I'll go get my running shoes."

Riker chuckled.

* * *

It was an unusually difficult transport to the planet, but O'Brien managed to get them to the surface without incident. The brisk, cold air rushed through swaying trees on the planet of NaCove. Riker enjoyed the smell of it, if questioned he would compare the clean, earthy smell to an early winter in Maine, United States, Earth.

Data checked their co-ordinates and announced to the landing party they were on edge of town. Riker thought it looked frozen in time with its quaint brick houses on cobbled roads. He watched with interest as he sighted a man leading a horse by the reigns. Obviously Grandpa Orion liked simpler times and it looked like his grandson carried their old-timey tastes, there wasn't a single mechanical vehicle in sight.

Before entering the town Riker glanced at the vast woods. The ground and trees were covered with snow, though he could still see patches of frozen grass in places. There was a dirt road that lead around a sharp turn into a forest. NaCove's artificial atmosphere computer was remarkably advanced and functional. Ionic storms covered the planet, but Riker was forced to admit the The Jacks Colony had done very well for themselves to carve out a nice place to live.

He looked up to see rolling clouds above them. The entire sky looked gray.

"Sir, this is private property."

Riker's attention snapped back to the ground to discover a group of six men in plain clothes who had arrived to give them a formal 'Three Jacks welcome'. Riker was careful not to look confrontational or intimidated at their arrival, he didn't want to frighten or allow any sort of instigation of violence, especially since they looked itchy for a fight.

"Yes, I know." Riker replied calmly. "I'm here on Federation business. I'm Commander Riker and this is-"

"We don't recognize your Federation here, sir." One of the men interrupted taking a step towards him. He was middle aged with white-blonde hair curling out of his worn, flannel cap. "We've lived here without the Federation for a century. We're an authority unto ourselves. Now you'll have to clear off or you'll be stuck when the storms get worse."

"One of our officers has gone missing and was last seen here!" Riker announced in a booming, stern voice. "We're not 'clearing off' until we've had a few questions answered to our liking. Where can we find Orion Gates?"

The blonde shot Riker an ugly look before rejoining the silent group of men. The men hung around the entrance as they paced listlessly. Occasionally they looked up to acknowledge the landing party.

"I don't believe they'll turn violent...yet." Deanna said softly to the party.

Riker sighed. "Riker to Enterprise." he announced tapping his badge.

" _Picard._ " Jean-Luc replied.

"We need the exact coordinates of the Three Jacks government center. We've beamed to the edge of town but no one wants to tell us where Gates is." Riker explained.

" _Number One, you're breaking up._ " Picard informed him. " _We can't understand you._ "

"There is heavy readings of ionic interference in the atmosphere. They must be using a shield of some sort to protect the surface." Data reported. "It is causing interference with our communicators just as it was causing difficulties with the transporter."

Riker pursed his lips together tightly. "Guess our investigation starts here." he muttered. "Defensive formation seven everyone. Don't get physical unless absolutely necessary...we're walking in."

Riker and Data stood on either side of Troi, facing forward as the three of them marched toward the entrance. Riker saw Deanna draw a tense breath as they pushed past the scowling group of men.

* * *

Riker figured the largest building would most likely house the largest ego and he was correct. After an hour of wandering the streets and avoiding any group with more than two people in it the landing party found itself in the lobby of the Three Jacks capital building.

When they entered they were greeted by a bizarre scene of an angry woman arguing with a tall, middle-aged man in a tweed suit.

"Don't you give me that look as if I'm over-reacting!" She snapped at him. The man chose instead to focus on the landing party instead of reacting to her rebuke. She let out a frustrated huff as she followed his gaze. "Can I help you?" She said through clenched teeth.

"We're looking for Orion Gates." Riker said without bothering to greet them.

The man in the tweed suit smiled at the landing party before folding his hands behind his back.

"You've found him, sir." He replied warmly. His response was very different from what Riker was expecting and even the woman behind the desk seemed surprised with his candor. "How may I be of service, Mr…?"

"Commander Riker of the Starfleet Enterprise." Riker replied. He waved Deanna and Data over, and they stepped forward. "This is Counselor Troi and Lieutenant Data. You may have had word Federation officers were arriving."

"On the contrary I had no idea." Gates replied. There was an awkward pause. "Perhaps we can take this conversation to a more comfortable setting? My office is close."

Will turned to Deanna in silent inquiry, if there was any nefarious undertones she would be able to sense them. She nodded encouragingly.

"This way." Gates said ushering them down a long, wood-paneled hallway. Riker couldn't stop looking at the ugly carpet, it was a tawny-yellow very much like the tweed of Gate's suit. "Forgive me- Commander was it? I can't imagine how our tiny planet captures Starfleet's notice."

"It probably wouldn't have had our officer not gone missing." Riker replied. "I'm referring to officer Kelly."

Gates slowed down in his strides to shrug.

"I'm unfamiliar with the name." Gates clarified as Riker's expression darkened. They stopped at the end of the hallway and Orion opened a wooden door. He smiled at Deanna. "Ladies first."

She returned a polite smile and walked into a spacious office full of dark mahogany. The decor of the room pointed to a gigantic buck's head mounted behind a red clothed armchair.

"Beautiful isn't he?" Gates said as Data cocked his head to the side in observation. "My great, great, great grandfather shot it with one of those old guns with lead bullets. Rather barbaric now-a-days I-"

"Kelly made contact with you months ago." Riker interrupted. "It's in our reports."

Gates' pursed his lips together tightly and strolled behind his desk.

"Mm. So much for conversation." Gates hummed. He sat down and stroked his chin. "Your reports are incorrect. It's rather impossible. There's been no contact from the Federation here in about, oh, five or six years." he said thoughtfully.

"It's in our reports." Riker repeated firmly.

"A clerical error, no doubt." Gates replied.

"It's not an error!" Riker barked. "It is a _fact_ Officer Kelly is missing and his last known whereabouts was at this colony!"

"I'm afraid you've been misled." Gates said gently.

"More likely you're afraid I haven't!" Riker quipped. The room was silent for a pause. "I've been sent here to investigate."

"By whom?" Gates asked.

"By whom-" Riker started angrily. "By the Federation!"

"Do you have any proof?" Gates asked.

Riker took a calming breath.

"Open a communication channel and I'll send a copy of the transmission regarding my orders to be here." Riker said.

"Is that transmission addressed to you or your Captain?" Gates asked.

"It's addressed to Captain Picard of the Enterprise." Riker explained.

"But you are not him." Gates said, his brow furrowing slightly. Riker sensed that his comment was going to lead to a problem.

"No, I'm his First Officer." Riker repeated, keeping his tone crisp and professional.

"Forgive me, Commander, but I can't take your word that your trespassing and investigation is authorized by a transmission that doesn't even address you by name." Gates replied airily.

"I'm-" he started angrily. Troi put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I'm wearing a Starfleet uniform. This is a Starfleet officer's badge." he said in a more calm voice as he pointed to his insignia. Even as he spoke he knew his explanation was falling on deaf ears. "It would be far-fetched that anyone would go through such an elaborate ruse just to talk to you about a missing officer if they weren't an officer themselves."

"Sounds like you've thought it out quite thoroughly, Commander." Gates replied, unblinking.

Riker bit his bottom lip hard, his eyes were blazing with frustration.

"If Captain Picard were to confirm I am a Federation Starfleet officer conducting official business, would you and your people cooperate with our investigation?" Riker asked in a steely tone.

"...Only if your Captain came in person." Gates agreed.

"Good." Riker snapped. He hit his badge a little too spiritedly and winced. "Riker to Picard."

They waited together before it became obvious he wasn't going to get a response.

"The ionic storm-" Gates began.

"-I know." Riker raged. He pulled himself together mentally. "I need to communicate with my ship."

"You can use our system." Gates offered. He held down a button on his desk with one long finger. "Janice, please escort Commander Riker and his officers to the console room."

It turned out Janice was the sour-faced woman who had been arguing with Gates at the front desk. She kept her face blank as she entered the room but Riker didn't need to be Betazoid to sense she was annoyed by the their presence.

"This way." She said before turning her back on them suddenly.

Troi took one last look at the hanging stags head before following Janice and the away team down another hallway. There was something disturbing about it, something sinister lying just under the surface. She took a mental note of it before joining Will and Data. A large console was set up in a near-empty room.

The communications technology was a little archaic but Riker could guess how to send out a message.

"Let me know if you have any questions." Janice said dispassionately before leaving them.

"I will." Riker said to the air where she had just been standing. He let out a breath through his nose, shaking his head.

Deanna let out a tense breath she had been holding in and ran a hand through her hair. "You can't imagine the slew of complex emotion that's blowing through this place." Troi said quietly.

"I think it's clear they wish us to leave." Riker replied. "And they're hiding something."

"I agree." Troi said. "There's also something about that mounted buck which disturbs me."

"It did seem to have hierarchy in the room." Data replied.

"We'll check it out later." Riker conceded. He flipped a signal transmitter switch to full power. "Riker to Enterprise, come in Enterprise."

" _Picard here._ _You're coming-in clearly now._ " The Captain's voice rang from the speakers.

"Yes, we're using Orion's communication system." Riker informed him. "I have a request."

" _Go ahead, Number One._ " Picard replied.

"Sir, Gates is insisting you speak to him face-to-face."

" _Whatever for?_ " Picard replied, a note of annoyance in his voice.

"He wants proof I have authorization to be here. He doesn't think we're real Starfleet officers." Riker said in a haughty tone that was too casual for an official report. He seemed to catch his mistake and he cleared his throat. "He refuses to cooperate with us until you show proper identification and clear us."

" _Sounds as if he's being intentionally difficult._ "

"Permission to speak freely, Captain?" Riker asked.

" _Granted._ "

"You're absolutely right. They're doing everything they can except shoving us in a shuttle and driving us off the planet." Riker replied. "It's possible Gates is counting on us to get so agitated we leave, I say we follow through with his requests and you set him straight."

" _...Understood. I don't want us to get in the habit of catering to unreasonable demands, but if you really feel it's necessary I'll beam down to the surface._ " Picard replied.

"I do." Riker insisted. "It's not ideal but I have a feeling I'll be talking in circles and get nowhere unless you lay down the law. Gates is very stubborn." Riker informed him.

" _Very well. Tell him to expect me within the hour."_

"I'd like nothing better." Riker replied.

" _Picard out._ "

* * *

Riker's request to have Picard depart the Enterprise and join the away team below was an unforeseen turn of events. Usually his Number One was the last person who wanted him involved with away parties. Jean-Luc figured Gates must have been presenting quite the challenge to force Riker's hand.

He handed off command of the helm to Commander Worf before departing. After he stepped off the turbolift he didn't have much time to walk to Transporter Room Three before being accosted.

"Captain!"

He turned to see Beverly rush toward him. Her medlab coat was bellowing with every quick step she took.

"Doctor Crusher?" He questioned slowing his pace to a stop.

"I need you for something private." She said.

"I'm in the middle of something important." Picard informed her. "Is it a matter of life-and-death?"

"Not likely." Beverly said. "But-"

"Then it'll have to wait, Doctor. When I get back you can have my undivided attention." Picard said to her over his shoulder.

Chief O'Brien was calibrating the transporter when the Captain and Doctor Crusher arrived.

"Blasted ion-storms. I wouldn't trust the computer, that's for sure." O'Brien muttered. He looked regretful of the comment when Picard shot him a concerned look. "It's going to be a rough beam-down, Captain, but I'll get ya there in one piece." He promised.

"See that you do." Picard remarked.

"Jean-Luc please listen to me-" Beverly pleaded.

In a dizzying second Picard found himself standing in his quarters. He was certain he hadn't stepped on the transporter yet so it was quite a shock and his artificial heart was handling the rush of adrenaline by hammering rapidly in his chest as he searched for an explanation to what had happened to him.

He saw that Beverly had been brought along with him, though she looked much less disturbed at the situation of their sudden arrival in his quarters.

No, that wasn't quite true. She looked unsurprised but no less perturbed than he felt. He noticed she was standing ramrod straight like an ensign at attention in front of her first admiral and facing forward as two men rounded on them.

Picard recognized Q of course- the entity had chosen to dress in his judge outfit which Jean-Luc knew to be a bad sign. Nothing Q did or said was pleasant while wearing his judge costume. Q's companion looked equally costumed; the man was wearing a curious imitation of nondescript royal robes. He was dressed in a high black collar which dawned golden buttons and with the absence of color (and the seriousness of both their expressions) Jean-Luc couldn't help but feel Beverly and he had been brought there for some somber purpose.

"Why did you ask me to fetch him if you were going to transport us here?" Beverly asked the newcomer.

Her voice came out even enough but Picard could tell she was nervous. There was an air of fear in her posture and she looked as if she was awaiting a reason to bolt from the room. He wanted to discourage any brash or panicked actions, so he took a protective step towards the men to make sure he was in their foreground to deal with them directly.

"The response time was inadequate." The tall man said to her in a deep, English accent.

"Beverly," Picard said to her in a calm voice, "Who is this?"

"I am Q of the Q Continuum." The stranger said answering the question for her. "Don't fret mortal, no harm will befall you... if you don't do anything foolish." His eyes sparkled in such a way that Picard wondered if the godlike entity _wanted_ him to start trouble.

"...What do you want with us?" Picard asked him cautiously. English-Q grabbed Jean-Luc's hand and Picard thought he was going to force a handshake out of him, but instead the English-Q flipped it over and studied his palm.

"You needn't burden yourself with conversation, human." He said in a bored tone. "It won't increase your chances."

"Chances of what?" Picard asked him. His eyes flickered to Q in question but his 'boyfriend' didn't show the slightest interest in acknowledging him. In fact, his boyfriend looked rather grim as he crossed his arms while donning a sulky frown.

The English-Q didn't look compelled to share his thoughts with Picard and ignored the question as he mumbled, "He's writ with genetic flaws, the lifespan will be very short."

"If you're going to waylay us from our duties then give us an explanation why we're-" Picard insisted.

"-Feeble-minded species. Weak." The English-Q interrupted. He dropped Picard's hand and then grabbed Jean-Luc's chin forcibly moving his head from side to side. "Vastly overrated."

"Mmm." Q hummed with disinterest.

"Enough!" Picard said, ripping his head away from the Q's grasp. "I will not be poked and prodded like some show pony!" English-Q raised an eyebrow and laughed.

"Show pony? Surely not!" English-Q mocked him. He twisted in place and laughed at Q. "Show monkey, however!"

"See yourselves out at once!" Picard snapped, an angry heat prickling his up from his collar.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather I inspect the female? She's much more even-tempered." The English-Q said softly.

Q huffed through his nose. "You haven't seen her on her off-days." He muttered.

The English-Q laughed heartily at a pitch that grated on Picard's nerves. He was forming the opinion that his Q wasn't unique in being so damned obnoxious and that it must be a commonly shared trait among the Continuum.

"I'll take my leave." The English-Q said winding down from his laughter. "I've seen all I need." Beverly tensed up when he started laughing again. "Your infatuations with these savages is quite the lark! The lengths you go to amuse us!"

Q didn't join in with the heckling but he made a weak attempt at a smile.

"But be careful, Q," The English-Q said as his smile turned sinister. "You don't want to...overdo it."

A flash of light momentarily blinded Jean-Luc and the unexpected visitor was gone.

Q, however, remained behind. His eyes were glazed over in thought and he was back to his somber expression. It wasn't until Jean-Luc was standing a meter in front of him that he looked up.

"Who was that?" Jean-Luc asked him in a harsh tone.

"I think his name is... Q?" Q replied squinting as he turned his head.

"Enough of your damn jokes, I want answers- I have a right to know what you're subjecting me to." Picard snapped.

"Why?" Q asked him dryly without a hint of humor.

"Because you're obviously doing something that affects me without my consent." Picard shot back. "This is immoral."

"How would you know?" Q replied flippantly. He crossed his legs and rested his folded hands on one knee. "You said it yourself, you don't know what I'm doing. I could be in the middle of the most moral act of your fleeting existence." he shrugged under Picards look of fury.

"This secrecy hints to a nefarious end." Picard announced. Q lifted an eyebrow. "Whatever you're planning for me I'm stopping it now-" a rush of air blew out of Q's nose mockingly, but Picard wasn't derailed. "I want no more of you- not your romance, not your help, not whatever it was that you forced me here to witness- _now get off my ship_!"

Beverly's mood had been sullen since she had arrived but Picard's announcement seemed to awaken her. She turned to Jean-Luc and smiled at him fondly.

Q didn't blink. He slowly leaned forward.

"Darling," he said in a patient voice, "I understand your instinct to lash-out. ...Humans get so panicked when they feel powerless." he drawled. "You must feel very apprehensive as an insect amongst gods." He sighed. "Now, run along and play captain, I have business to attend to. We'll catch up later. Promise."

"Q-!" Picard started.

Picard found himself back in Transporter Room three. Beverly had also transported beside him and they watched O'Brien stutter as he slowed down his conversation with a security officer to gape at them.

"They're back in the Transporter room." O'Brien informed the Bridge. "What happened, Captain?"

"Q happened!" Picard spat like a curse.

"Q?" O'Brien repeated. Realization dawned on him and he sneered. "Damn that devil!"

The doors opened and Worf came through them with two armed security officers by his side. His gaze swept the room quickly.

"What happened?" Worf asked in a growl.

"Q." O'Brien informed him. "He kidnapped the Doctor and the Captain god-knows-where."

The two security officers looked increasingly alert as they searched the room's less obvious hiding-places.

"Captain," Worf spoke cautiously, "I recommend you postpone your engagement in the current mission until a security sweep has been made."

"I understand your alarm but the confrontation wasn't aggressive," Picard replied hoping his words were true. "Q will visit us time-to-time, but we can't allow his occasional appearance to unravel our mission." Worf looked as if he wanted to argue but he didn't speak. "Chief O'Brien, send me down to the landing party."

"I'm going too." Beverly announced.

Picard and O'Brien regarded her curiously. She crossed the room and picked up her medical bag before stepping onto the transporter.

"I don't believe this mission calls for a medical officer." Picard said diplomatically.

"I know." Beverly replied. She turned to Jean-Luc with a steely glance. "It's not the mission I'm concerned about."

"Sir?" O'Brien asked.

"Engage." Picard replied keeping his expression neutral.

* * *

When Picard entered the office he saw Riker, Data, and Troi stand up from a leather couch.

"Captain Picard I presume?" Gates questioned as he looked from Beverly to Jean-Luc.

"Yes." Picard said stepping forward. "Chief O'Brien has sent a copy of our mission transmission to the frequency Commander Riker contacted us on. You'll find it passes all security checks and has the official digital signature of the Federation. Now, why was it necessary to hinder my First Officer from doing his duty?"

"That's not my intention." Gates replied. Picard found it distasteful that the man had the audacity to look surprised at the accusation.

"Is it?" Picard responded critically.

"No." Gates replied. "My intentions are to keep my people safe. When a stranger arrives announcing the full backing of the Federation, it is all the more imperative I make sure he is worthy of authority he claims."

"So you understand we require your full cooperation?" Picard said.

"If you are indeed Captain Picard and these are your officers, then yes." Gates said calmly.

"I _am_ Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise," He announced. "I'm accompanied by my Chief Medical Officer Doctor Crusher. That is my First Officer Commander Riker, acting on my behalf who is in turn acting on behalf of the Federation. Commander Data and Counselor Troi are assisting my Number One and they are my officers. Is all of this information to your satisfaction?"

Gates nodded.

"Good." Picard stated firmly.

"It sounds as if you brought the whole ship down with you." Gates said with a smirk. "This missing officer must have been quite a fellow."

"Quite." Picard replied impatiently. "Now if you excuse me, I'll be getting back to my ship."

"Uh, Captain," Gates interrupted holding up a finger. "I think you will find it impossible to leave. Frankly, I'm surprised you were able to get here at all. Our shields are up to maximum at the moment. A transporter beam would be too unstable to lock onto your coordinates. Most likely you won't be able to return to your ship until tomorrow morning."

"I beg your pardon?" Picard said slowly.

"Surely your sensors picked up the ionic storms rolling through our atmosphere?" Gates questioned him. "They're worse in the evenings." Riker and Picard shared an exasperated look. "I wouldn't worry, we would be more than happy to give you and your crew accommodations for the night and send you on your way in the morning."

A surge of anger gripped Picard and he channelled it into his expression. "This would have been good to know before I arrived on the planet. My ship will have to be notified that my crew and I are stuck here."

"Understood." Gates said. "After you're done sending your transmission I'll send for someone to lead you to your living quarters." He held up his hands. "I'm so sorry, Captain."

* * *

"Enterprise, do you read me?" Picard asked. He banged his palm against the console. The sound of static filled the room and cracked. "Enterprise, this is Captain-"

" _Sir, you're cutting out-_ " he heard the faint voice of O'Brien speak over the communications counsel.

"Chief O'Brien, the storms have made it impossible for us-" Picard spoke.

" _Sir, the storms-_ " O'Brien interrupted before the console cut dead.

Picard stared at the receiver and dropped it with a loud "clank".

"I can attempt to boost the signal, Captain." Data offered.

"No, don't bother, the signal will be restored tomorrow." Picard remarked. "I have faith the Chief understands my absence is due to the ion storms." He sighed. "Perhaps it's for the best I'm here to deter any issues of authority you may encounter on the mission."

"I agree, Captain." Riker said. "Let's make the most of our time here and get to work."

"Hello?"

The group turned their heads to see a young woman enter the room. She was dressed very conservatively even though she looked no older than sixteen. When she smiled Picard thought she had an attractive innocence to her.

"Can we help you, young lady?" Beverly spoke up.

"I think that's my job." The girl replied. "I'm Catherine, my father Timothy Hall owns the tavern. Mr. Gates asked him to lend you a room and I'm here to take you to it."

"That's very kind." Beverly replied.

"Please follow me." Catherine said motioning them to come along.

Picard nodded and they trailed behind her as she led them out the door to a gas-lit street.

"A tavern would be an ideal place to start our investigation." Riker said softly to Jean-Luc as they surveyed the streets. "It's likely Commander Kelly stayed there, someone must have seen him."

They paused and watched her as she approached the door in front of a handsome, two-story wooden building. "This is it." She told them over her shoulder as she produced an iron key from her coat pocket. "Hall's Tavern."

When they entered the tavern Jean-Luc was surprised how spacious it seemed inside. The bar was especially large and tables filled the room- all ready for people who were curiously absent.

"There's no one here." Picard announced with a frown. "Catherine, where is your father? Where's the patrons?"

"They're all at the sacred grove for the First Day of Frost." She informed them. "The inn is always empty at this hour on the first day." She explained. "Most of the village is away for evening prayers."

"They're celebrating a holiday?" Riker questioned. "I've never heard of the First Day of Frost."

"It may be unique to us, we're a deeply religious people." She said. "Our ways must sound strange to you."

"On the contrary," Picard said looking around. "We encounter all types of species who are religious, it's not unordinary in the least."

"When do the prayers end?" Riker asked her with a note of impatience.

"Hard to say. Sometimes they go very late well past midnight." She replied as she avoided Riker's questioning gaze.

"I don't suppose you'd be willing to take us to this grove?" Jean-Luc requested.

"No, I don't think so, it's very private." She said apologetically. "I mean, I could, but it's best if you waited tomorrow." She said hastily. Beverly and Troi shared a critical look as their host nearly ran up the stairwell, waving them on.

"No one here to interview... why am I not surprised?" Riker whispered wryly to Picard.

The room they were led to brought a fresh wave of disappointment among the group. This didn't go unnoticed by Catherine.

"Is there something the matter, Captain?" She asked.

"There's five of us." Picard said sweeping his hand over the room. "And only two beds."

"They're the largest beds we have." She replied in a confused tone as if shocked by his displeasure.

"But this is a tavern." Deanna reasoned. "Couldn't you spare an extra room to accommodate us?"

"We're a very small village and we don't get many visitors." She replied timidly. "I suppose for Starfleet officers our little tavern would be inadequate. Please forgive us, we're simple people and we're not used to catering to such prestigious guests."

Picard sighed. "It'll do fine."

"I'll be downstairs if you need me." She said. She smiled at him sweetly before departing.

"These people are very strange." Beverly said softly as she closed the door. "They're determined to fight us on _everything_."

"I'm starting to think Commander Kelly died of frustration." Riker snapped as he sat on the bed. "Their methods to evade us are almost masterful."

"Clearing out an entire town just to avoid questioning sounds like a very extreme ruse." Beverly remarked.

"Maybe, but these people don't seem to be functioning on the same wavelength as us." Riker said.

"It is possible the colony has practiced this invasive technique before," Data suggested. "It is a very convincing illusion."

"What do you think," Picard asked turning to Deanna. "Is our host all she appears to be?"

"She reads like everyone else, she's uncomfortable we're here." Deanna replied. "But I haven't sensed any will to harm us."

"Still, this extreme avoidance only furthers my suspicion something unseemly has happened to officer Kelly." Picard said folding his arms in front of him. "We were sent here to get answers."

"Searching our surroundings while the colony is elsewhere could prove a tactical advantage." Data observed.

"Yes, we may not get another chance to scout the area so unsupervised." Picard agreed.

"Not entirely unsupervised." Riker said looking at the door.

"She can't keep an eye on all of us, we can create the illusion she's got us pinned down here." Beverly suggested.

"If you think you can keep her busy, the Captain and I will sneak out and comb the town." Riker said.

"I'll go too." Beverly offered.

"Catherine may not notice two are gone but she'll certainly notice three." Picard argued.

"I'm not leaving your side, Jean-Luc." Beverly said.

"Why?" Riker asked.

"Let's just say I'm here to make sure the Captain doesn't make any promises he doesn't want to keep." Beverly replied looking meaningfully at Picard.

To anyone else the comment would have been too vague to draw any conclusions, but Riker had been one of the few Picard was willing to admit a relationship with Q. Jean-Luc saw understanding dawn on his Number One's face.

"I see." Riker said.

"We'll talk later." Picard said to his First Officer. It wasn't something he wanted to discuss now. "Alright, the doctor and I will take a look around." Riker's mouth opened to argue but Jean-Luc held up a hand. "Just for an hour or so. We can work on a rotation, when we get back you and Data can be the next search party. In the meanwhile, do you think you can keep Catherine preoccupied?"

Riker looked in the mirror and stroked his beard before shooting a sultry glance. "I think I can figure something out."

"She's a child." Deanna said in a longsuffering voice. "Perhaps we can come up with something more appropriate."

"What? Just what did you think I was thinking?" Riker asked her defensively.

"Just make sure everything's above-board." Picard said as both Deanna and Will dissolved into a light arguement.

* * *

Climbing out of windows undetected wasn't a skill Jean-Luc had developed as an adolescent. He much prefered sneaking out the door of his old home. He was thankful for the large oak that was planted close to the tavern window, but the sparse amount of limbs made getting to the ground a nervous endeavor.

He was worried for Beverly but it proved a waste of emotion. She surprised him with her grace and self-awareness as she slowly yet fluidly slid from on branch to another in places he had grasped in a cold sweat. When he managed to drop to the ground she wasn't far behind him and he found himself wondering if it was effortless for her.

"You're quite good at that." He complimented her as he slapped his scraped-up hands together.

"I've had a lot of practice." Beverly admitted as she straightened the strap of her medkit on her shoulder. "Nana didn't approve of my boyfriends, she was a tough critic."

"To your benefit it would seem." Jean-Luc said with a smile.

Once they tip-toed away from the building they took the lesser-lit paths around town. The first hour they spent looking in windows of homes, offices, occasionally stores. Catherine wasn't exaggerating when she said the town had been abandoned.

Their isolation emboldened them and they felt comfortable walking on the roads even risking being seen in the open. The main road was trodden down smooth but an occasional stone or dip would challenge their footing, when they reached the rockier road in the entrance of the town Jean-Luc offered her his arm.

"I don't think that's a good idea." Beverly said cryptically.

"Pardon?" Picard said.

" _He_ may get jealous." Beverly said. "I learned my lesson, even if you didn't."

There was no questioning who 'he' was. Picard dropped his elbow slowly and felt shame needling his gut. He didn't even attempt to argue with her as she was probably right that such an innocent gesture would be dangerously misconstrued by Q.

"Should we turn back?" Picard asked as he watched his breath float up into the air in a cold puff.

She nodded as she rubbed her arms.

His foot slid against something sticking out of the trodden road, it had a sharp edge.

Picard lifted the badge in his hands. It was crusted with dirt and he struggled to wipe off the cold, hardened soil- it had obviously been there for some time.

"Commander Kelly's?" Beverly asked.

Picard put it in his pocket and gazed at the treeline as he thought.

"He must have come this way," Picard noted. "Perhaps we should take our search into the woods in the morning."

"What's that sound?" Beverly asked.

A horse and carriage turned the corner and stopped suddenly in front of them.

"Watch yourself, I nearly ran you over!" The driver snarled angrily. "Just what we need, another accident!"

"What accident?" Beverly asked.

"No time to talk, out of the way!" He snarled as he pulled on the reins. "There's an injured man at the grove and time's not on his side. I won't let him give up the ghost on account of your yapping!"

"I'm a doctor!" Beverly announced. "Perhaps I can help."

His eyes widened and he settled the horses with a relaxed grip on the reins. "One of our men took a nasty fall, he's in bad shape." The driver said in a strained voice. "I was sent to fetch medical supplies."

"No need to go back all the way, I brought my kit," Beverly said climbing on the carriage. Picard helped her up and then climbed into the carriage himself.

"Our doctor's with the man now," The driver told her. He turned the horses around and began to go back where he had came from. "Maybe another pair of skilled hands could save his life."

"If you help the injured man the colony may be more inclined to cooperate with us." Picard reflected.

They rode for about ten minutes in a silence. The wind whipping around them as they rode chilled Jean-Luc and eventually the only warm part of his body was pressed against Beverly.

His fortune changed for the worse when as they hit what could only be described as a dead end. The dirt road inexplicably ended at the edge of the woods.

"We'll have to walk this part of the way." The driver said climbing out. "We meant to finish the road this summer but got behind schedule. It's not far but the brush is still thick, watch your step and keep close."

Picard threw Beverly an incredulous look as the driver hitched the horse to a makeshift post.

"You said you wanted to go to the grove." She shrugged.

* * *

"How far away are we now?" Picard asked the driver with an edge of impatience. His heels were dampened by the sheet of snow on the ground that hadn't yet been melted by the sun.

"A ways." The driver replied coldly, clearly picking up on the Captain's frustration. "We still got a river to cross."

"Why is the grove so far from the town?" Beverly asked.

"Dunno." The driver said. "I was a babe when the town was built, no one asked me to plan it out." They crunched through the snow in silence. "No one complained before either."

Beverly's chuckle turned into an ill concealed cough at the barb as Jean-Luc shot him a sour look.

Finally there was a break in the woods and they came upon the river. A small boat had been pushed up on the rocky bank awaiting the owner to return.

"The boat wasn't made to carry more than two." The driver said helping her in. He waved Picard over."I chose speed over size, I didn't think I'd be transporting people back with me."

"How long until we both can be at the grove?" Picard asked him.

"I can get the lady doctor there in ten minutes and come back to pick you up in twenty." The driver said.

"I don't like the idea of splitting up especially since you have some adamant reason we stick together." Jean-Luc said to Beverly quietly.

"This is different, someone is injured and I can save their life." She said.

"Ma'am, he may already be dead." The driver called to her from inside the boat.

"I hope we're not making a mistake." Picard mumbled.

"If so, I task you with coming to my rescue." Beverly said. He could tell the comment meant to be humorous, but the weight of her words came out more sincere.

Picard helped her climb into the boat and with the help of the driver's oar they pushed it into the slow current. Jean-Luc's already cold feet suffered as he felt the water run into his shoes and submerge mid-calf, but that was nothing compared to the dread he felt watching Beverly slip away from him out of his reach.

He began to back out of the water and found himself slammed forward into it. When he fell he instinctively held out his hands to catch himself, and he was elbow's deep in the water before a strong hand submerged him completely. The shock of the attack caused him to swallow a large mouthful. Whoever was keeping him under was using their body weight to weigh him down. Still, he wasn't very deep, and with much concentrated effort Picard pressed his palms in the rocky, slippery bottom and did the most important push-up of his life.

It was enough to break the surface. He managed a gasp of air before a fresh grip from behind pushed him into the water again. This time Jean-Luc threw his elbow wildly behind him in an attempt to dislodge his attacker- it connected but he recognized his swing as being too weak to become effective, he had come at his assailant at too awkward an angle.

The realization of how close to death he was began to slide into him in a cold horror. The sputtering breath he stole was quickly burnt in his lungs and a desperate need for air replaced it. He tried to push himself up once more but it proved weaker than his first attempt.

After a few agonizing seconds the dirty water turned black.

* * *

A hand pressed down on his chest and he felt liquid flow out between his lips.

The second push felt more violent and this time a stream of water was vomited, not from his stomach but from his chest. Jean-Luc coughed until his chest and throat were raw and his eyes fluttered open.

The groan that escaped him was weak as Q's face smiled down at him.

"Oh good, you're awake." Q called to him. "Did you have pleasant dreams?"

It took a moment for Jean-Luc to focus on what Q had said and what happened.

"Someone tried to kill me." Picard whispered.

"Ah that makes sense. I remember oxygen being important to your species." Q said squinting.

Picard was gripped with another coughing fit. He felt Q flip him over roughly, stones were pressed into his cheek and his back was getting slapped firmly by Q's palm. He coughed some more before scrambling to his feet.

"I'm fine-" Picard said brushing wet gravel off his cheek. "Beverly-"

"Her again?" Q groaned. "Can't you be happy to see _me_ for once?"

"Where is she?" Picard said running back into the river. He searched the bank for any indication that the driver had come back for him.

"She's in the pub with the robot. Excuse me, android." Q informed him in a bored tone.

Picard waded back to shore and put his hands on his knees and leaned over heavily trying to regain his composure. Soon Q's hand was rubbing his back. Picard slapped it away. "Just go." he grunted between coughs.

"...Just go?" Q repeated, frowning. "That's an odd choice of words to express gratitude."

"You want my gratitude?" Picard scoffed. "I know you, Q. Your help always comes with price."

"But saving your life is a gift I give freely." Q replied opening his arms. "Surely that warrants a 'thank you'? Where are your manners?"

"Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind." Picard quoted Shakespeare. "This was just another incident to manipulate me into whatever end you're plotting!"

"Alright Jean-Luc, you've caught me, you're very clever." Q laughed. "You're right, saving your life was an elaborate trap- to get a kiss. I thought you'd at least give me one for saving your pathetic human life, but I can see now you'd rather go back into the watery depths where you can give all your love to the bottom-dwellers as they nibble on your frozen corpse!"

"I never asked you save my life." Picard snapped. He began to make his way toward the town. He was soaked through and freezing and he recognized if he didn't find warmth quickly he'd be in trouble.

"Your aptitude for stubbornness is profound," Q scoffed as he trailed behind him. "Would you rather I left you to die? Would that soothe your ego?" Q mocked him. He ran to keep up with Jean-Luc who was furthering the distance between them with a quick pace.

Picard glowered at him but didn't respond. A shimmer of light appeared before him and he bumped into Q hard. He stepped back and tried to sidestep around Q, but Q mirrored his movements. Picard let out an impatient snarl.

"If I don't owe you anything then there's no reason for you to be here!" Picard snapped at him. His teeth were beginning to chatter as the frigid winter breeze cut through him causing his wet clothes to chill to his body.

"Actually, about that," Q said watching him closely. "I've been familiarizing myself with the vulnerabilities of your species, and unless you have a way of generating heat I don't know about, you're dying." He said. Picard clenched his teeth together tightly to stop them from chattering. "Again." Q added in a whisper of triumph. He put his lips very close to Jean-Luc's ear and whispered, "Still think I don't have a reason to be here?"

Picard was able to sidestep Q without the entity getting in his way. He acknowledged the truth in Q's words even though he hated to admit it to himself. No doubt he was still in danger, the sun had gone down long ago and he knew his body would eventually succumb to hypothermia.

Dead branches and snow crunched under his feet and he felt an angry stinging in his toes. His core was shaking vigorously in its desperate attempt to keep the warmth from escaping. He paused in his steps and Q stood next to him.

"Feeling tired?" Q asked him. "Limbs getting heavy? Mind muddled? The urge to sleep overwhelming you?"

"No. Just trying to remember where the road to town is." Jean-Luc admitted. He crossed his arms and tucked his hands into his pits to stop the cold from seizing them. It didn't help much.

The light didn't shine very far in the woods. He thought he had paid attention to the geography from the shore to the woods to the road, but the more he looked at the trees the less certain he became he was heading the right way.

Q placed his hands on Jean-Luc's arms and turned him slightly to the left. "There. Now you're headed in the right direction." He announced. "This time it's appropriate not to thank me because you'll _never_ make it." he said joyfully.

The wind kicked up and Picard clenched up as it's painful gust cut into him. A fresh wave of shivering overtook him. He felt Q press himself against his back and give him momentary respite as warmth radiated from his touch.

The hands that had guided him wrapped around his chest from behind, embracing him.

"Do you remember that delicious heat between us as we made love for the first time?" Q whispered in his ear. "I think back on it often… such a shame you'll shed your mortal coil so soon, the vulgar pleasures of the human body was just beginning to intrigue me…"

"How- how far away is the town?" Jean-Luc asked, his breath hitching as he shook.

"Too far for you." Q replied ominously.

The warmth left him as Q slipped away. Picard opened his eyes with difficulty. Ice was forming on his eyelashes obscuring his vision temporarily. He turned and found himself alone.

He was careful not to deviate too much in any direction as he walked, he wanted to keep the same direction Q had pointed him in.

Soon it was very dark and Jean-Luc could barely see the outline of the trees. It was slow-going as he had to feel his way around anything below his knees. He trod on a few slippery rocks hidden by a blanket of snow and he awkwardly lost his footing before getting his numb fingers caught in a sticker-bush. He tried to detangle himself but his fingers stopped working and soon became bloody. After what seemed like an eternity he managed to clear an area, though he knew he had lost his direction.

He leaned against a tree. He was in big trouble now, especially since he was getting tired and his vision was getting blurry. If he stopped moving he would die, that he knew, but his limbs were failing him.

He felt sleepy when his knees crunched in the snow, and he curled into a ball when he fell to the ground, his shivering violent.

"You got farther than I expected." Q's voice rang over him. "Not that it matters." he added in his dark humor.

"Q…" Jean-Luc breathed.

"Now who could have seen this happening? Oh, right. Me." Q said mockingly over him. "But you wouldn't heed my warnings- and now your pride has killed you Jean-Luc." he said in an icy tone. "If you were more humble you would have made it easier on yourself to ask me to save your life twice. I would have done it, you know..."

"Please…" Jean-Luc pleaded.

"I wouldn't bother grovelling now, it's simply your time to die." Q said in a bored tone.

"Not that…" Picard breathed gently. "I'll die… but be here... please- don't leave me." he asked through chattering teeth.

Q's mouth parted in awe. He bent over Jean-Luc's shivering form.

"You want me to comfort you?" Q asked, his nose touching Jean-Luc's ear.

Jean-Luc nodded, though he wasn't sure if Q could tell considering how much he was shaking. With tremendous effort he unhinged his arm out of his awkward self-hug and hooked his elbow on Q's knee. He closed his eyes and tried to recall the good memories in his life as sleep weighed on him.

"I will never leave you, Jean-Luc." Q told him in a rare, kind tone.

Sleep overcame him.

* * *

Two hands cupped his face. It felt so good to rest.

"He's becoming conscious."

Then he felt a sharp pain in his hands and feet. Slowly he opened his eyes.

He was staring at a wooden ceiling. He had only seen dark wooden ceilings at his _grand-mere_ 's home, which confused him because these were not them, and the woman who spoke wasn't speaking French.

"Jean-Luc."

He felt his body being gently shaken and he focused on the figures huddled around him. Then his mind began to put things together like when one understands they are no longer in a dream.

"Beverly." Picard croaked. "Is everyone safe safe?"

"He asks if _we're_ safe." Riker said, shaking his head.

"Why did you leave?" Beverly asked him.

"...What?" Picard asked.

"You're lucky Data saw you. He found you slumped outside the tavern, you were covered in ice and snow." Riker explained with his face screwed up with worry.

"You were soaking wet and out cold." Beverly told him. She was a lot more soothing than his visually agitated First Officer.

"I wasn't outside the inn." Picard argued. He paused to collect his thoughts. "I was in the woods. I had almost drowned, Q-"

"Q did this to you?" Beverly asked. He could hear her dislike for Q ringing in her voice.

"No, Q arrived after the attack." He said shaking his head. "He sent me here so you'd find me." Jean-Luc replied. "I must have said the right thing, he was going to let me die, I'm certain of it. Or maybe he wasn't but wanted me to think he was." Jean-Luc rambled. "The driver, he must have been in on the attack- he waited just until I was alone..."

He turned his head to see his uniform hanging on the back of a chair to dry. When he looked down at himself he could see he was dressed in a a pair of all-white cotton pajamas.

"Please tell me Commander Kelly's badge..." Picard inquired.

"It's gone." Beverly said. "We couldn't find it."

"It was probably taken off of him." Riker huffed.

Picard nodded closed his eyes to fight the uncomfortable sense of vertigo swirling into his skull.

"My hands, my feet…" He groaned.

"Badly bruised but you got lucky, you won't lose any digits." Beverly told him. "Your fingers were scratched up, ah - we'll piece the entire story together later. Rest." she finished as he struggled in the blankets.

He took up her advice and closed his eyes, but not before watching the landing party share a concerned look and congregate away from him.

"This is bad." Riker said in a quiet voice. "If someone tried to kill the Captain then we can assume we're all targets."

"I think we know who that 'someone' was who assaulted him." Beverly replied.

"You think Q tried to kill him?" Riker asked.

"And you don't?" Beverly asked.

"Why save his life?" Riker replied.

"The Captain owes him a debt of gratitude." She said pointedly.

"I don't know." Riker replied with a sigh. "I'm not saying Q _wouldn't_ try to drown him, but the Three Jacks Colony hasn't exactly rolled out the welcome mat."

"I wasn't attacked, I was alone just like the Captain and they had every opportunity to hurt me as well." Beverly pointed out.

"Maybe so, but you were tending to one of their comrades." Will replied. He sighed and rubbed his face. "I'm getting really tired of these games."

"We should all try to sleep," Troi suggested. "I have a feeling tomorrow will be just as challenging and we'll need our strength."

"Alright, Data, you keep watch. If you see anything suspicious wake us up immediately." Riker ordered. "At first light we get the Captain on the Enterprise and beam down security reinforcements. When we're through with this place we'll know Kelly's shoe size."

"Size 10." Data spoke up. Despite their gloomy circumstances his comment caused them to smile.

"Let's get some sleep." Riker said.

* * *

It was still dark outside when Jean-Luc felt Will brush up against his body slowly. A hum of pleasure from behind broke Picard's fitful sleep.

" _Damn it. He must be dreaming...maybe of Deanna._ " Picard thought darkly. He didn't want to disturb Riker or draw attention to the potentially humiliating mistake, so he shuffled closer to the edge which regretfully allowed Will to take up more space in bed and left Jean-Luc with very little.

Riker must have had a very exciting dream, because as soon as Jean-Luc moved away he was followed until the space between them closed again. Was Will awake? Impossible. Will wouldn't dare to touch him in a romantic way. His first officer was probably lucid dreaming.

In a shocking movement a hand slipped over Picard's stomach and stroked the trail of hair under his navel before traveling lower past the waistband of his sleep-pants and finger-brushing his pubic hair. No matter how generous Jean-Luc was in giving Will a pass for the oddly intimate behavior, he was certain that was too coordinated a movement for a sleeping person to do. Picard felt his temper flare.

"Riker, what the devil-" he chastised in a harsh whisper as he turned on him savagely.

"Riker?" Q repeated as his face scrunched up in disgust. "Don't tell me you have a thing for that hairy ape."

"Q." Picard breathed softly in surprise.

"Jean-Luc." Q cooed.

Picard felt butterflies in his stomach flutter as Q took advantage of his bewildered state and nuzzled the tips of their noses together playfully. When he pushed himself up slightly he saw Q sandwiched tight between Will and himself. Riker was snoring open-mouthed against a pillow, his body twisted in the sheets and completely unaware a third person had joined them in bed. Beverly and Troi was hidden in a mess of blankets on the other bed while Data remained dutifully preoccupied with watching the door for intruders. Q smirked as Picard sank back into bed with a thoughtful expression.

The hand that had gotten frisky with him earlier returned on his person to squeeze his left buttcheek.

"Have you lost your senses?" Jean-Luc said in a harsh whisper as he smacked Q's hand away. He snapped his head towards Data and did some quick thinking for an excuse to his flustered state, but the android hadn't indicated he heard or saw Q's untimely romancing.

"They won't see, I'm keeping this moment private." Q assured him as if reading his thoughts. "Unless you want them to watch?" He said holding up his fingers ready to snap.

"Don't." Picard told him sternly. Q met his gaze and slowly dropped his hand.

"...Have it your way…" Q replied.

"What are you doing here?" Picard asked him.

"Checking up on you of course." Q replied. His fingers were brushing Jean-Luc's hip in a sophisticated flourish. "You were a bit," Picard recoiled as Q's face tinged blue, his jaw dropped open grotesquely while his eyes rolled into the back of his head. In an instant he was back to normal. "...last time I saw you."

"If you're expecting me to-" Picard started. His thoughts were stalled as Q's hand slipped past Picard's shorts once more and firmly gripped the length of his softened penis.

"Hmmmm?" Q hummed with a smirk.

Q coaxed it into hardening as he ran his fingers up and down the length. One of the thoughts that entered Picard's mind was how soft Q's hands were and how much care and concentration he was putting into the skillful massage.

Jean-Luc's lips parted to let out either a moan or a protest, he hadn't decided which, but he found his resolve ebbing with every stroke. Q's expression changed from mischievous amusement to curious fascination as he observed Jean-Luc battle against his own bodily desires and the knowledge he was slipping further into Q's romantic agenda.

"How strange these bodies." Q whispered. "Such crude and messy mating rituals; amusing that evolution placed your waste facilities and your pleasure facilities so near to each other… my theory is it's poetic justice, the close proximity of 'want' and 'disregard' is also reflected in another organ- the human heart. What do you think?"

Picard struggled to pay attention the criticism as Q pulled back the foreskin and ran his thumb under the sensitive head.

"You toss and turn in your sleep, Jean-Luc." Q informed him. "Delving into your mind steals the rare pleasure of discovery you give me, so I avoid that temptation... but if I were to make a guess, I'd say your fickle heart is wrestling between 'want' and 'disregard' for _me_."

Picard let a groan slip out as Q massaged a bead of precum over the crown. Q nodded as if taking the groan as a vote of agreement, he smiled knowingly and Picard saw his front teeth were peeking over his bottom lip in triumph as he struggled to regain composure.

"I want to let you know I'm not upset with your double-mindedness. A lesser creature may take offense, but not me. I recognize your duality as yet another flaw in your species and I won't hold it against you." He kissed Jean-Luc tenderly on the mouth. "One day you'll be ready to embrace the concept of our coupling and allow yourself a good night's rest. But until then...well, I'll just have to help you sleep by gifting you one of those vulgar, human orgasams, won't I?"

Jean-Luc was sure he looked ridiculous as he stared at Q, his prick leaking as he was stricken dumb with need. Mere minutes ago he was prepared to throttle his First Officer for touching him, now he was putty in Q's hands.

"Q, I don't want to do anything I'll regret." Jean-Luc whispered. "If this serves...ulterior motives, please stop."

"You can trust me, Jean-Luc." Q promised. He placed another kiss on Picard's lips.

"I'll hold you to that." Picard replied softly. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, allowing himself to enjoy Q's touch.

"Heads or tails, Jean-Luc?" Q whispered in his ear.

"Pardon?" Picard replied opening his eyes. He recognized his mind muddled with lust. The hand massaging him into hardness slipped away. Perhaps Q believed it was too distracting.

"I'm asking where you wish to release yourself. My head," Q tapped his bottom lip as he made an 'o' with his mouth. "Or my _tail_." Q clarified, reaching around to squeeze Picard's buttcheek once more.

"Tail."

Q made a small gasp. "Jean-Luc, you _cad_." He teased him. He smirked. "...I knew you were going to choose that."

Jean-Luc didn't reply, instead he gazed over at Riker with some concern. It was true that they had been through a lot together, but he prefered their familiarity to be forged in battle not in love-making. Even though Q assured him they would remain unseen and unheard he was certain he was violating common decency. Contemplating sex in a bed he shared with his snoring First Officer wasn't his proudest moment.

"Something the matter?" Q asked him.

"Yes, sharing a bed with Riker is causing a problem for me-" Jean-Luc started.

Q unceremoniously shoved Picard's Number One off the bed. The Captain winced as a loud 'thump' boomed in the room as the body slammed the ground. An assuring snore came from the floor.

"How clumsy of him. But look, the problem solved itself." Q beamed happily as Jean-Luc leaned over the edge of the bed. "And as for you-"

Jean-Luc was flipped on his back in an instant. Q's hands were on his chest and pressed Jean-Luc into the mattress, he looked down at him with a triumphant smile.

"I don't think so." Picard said wryly.

Jean-Luc used Q's weight against him by jerking his arms up so they slid off his chest, then he wrapped his legs around Q before twisting and putting Q on his back. Jean-Luc wasn't sure if Q allowed him to get on top or was generally surprised at the fluid movement.

"Very good, Picard!" Q lavished him with rare praise. "What a dirty trick! Not very Starfleet at all. I'm enthralled..."

"Yes, yes, I'm sure you are." Jean-Luc said rolling Q over impatiently. There was a familiar hunger in the pit of his stomach as Q's naked body was brushing against his own.

"To the victor goes the spoils." Q sang over his shoulder. He arched his hindquarters into Picard's pelvis, which kicked up a tight, dizzying feeling in Jean-Luc's groin. "I'm ready for you, _mon cheri_. Feel free to indulge yourself... I'm not fragile."

Not needing more encouragement than that, Jean-Luc took immediate action. He watched the length of his penis slowly disappear as he guided himself inside the gripping heat of Q's rear. A groan of delight escape his partner confirming their mutual pleasure.

That primal hunger in the pit of Picard's stomach dropped lower, and he started to feed it as he thrusted into Q at a leisurely pace. He was determined to take his time, he wanted to savor the act.

"Ever the gentle lover." Q said with a hint of humor in his voice.

"Mm?" Picard hummed refusing to let the comment break his concentration.

"I say 'indulge' and every touch is a caress." Q explained.

"I am indulging." Jean-Luc said. "You made it sound like I could do this on my terms."

"Don't get defensive, I wasn't criticising you." Q replied looking over his shoulder. "Really." He said as Picard shot him a skeptical look. He turned around. "Alright, I can take a hint. I'll just be here...quietly enjoying your penis."

Picard closed his eyes and picked up a faster pace. Before long he felt a pleasurable pressure building in his undercarriage and he didn't have the self-discipline not to abandon his initial 'gentle' beginnings. Q was letting out occasional moans which excited him further, the crescendo of his gyrations approached quickly as the entity let out groans sounding almost like pleas as Jean-Luc thrust into him.

Finally a spasm disrupted Jean-Luc's rhythm and his hands grabbed Q's hips tightly, steading his partner as felt himself empty deep inside Q. He let out a half-shout as he rode his orgasm out.

They collapsed on the bed and Q wasted no time pulling Jean-Luc roughly into his arms in a stifling embrace.

"What are you doing?" Picard asked him quietly.

"Cuddling. Isn't that what humans do after sex?" Q mused.

"Yes, but I can barely move." Picard complained. He attempted to loosen Q's grip by wiggling against him, but the motion only made Q tighten around him like a python. "Q!" he barked in an annoyed tone feeling slight panic.

Q smiled at him mischievously before his grip went lax.

"Sometimes I think you're mad." Picard huffed. Though he was slightly miffed by being toyed with, he did return Q's irritating hug by resting his arms around him.

"You're too easily shocked, Jean-Luc." Q said. "If a tight squeeze unnerves you then you'd never make it as an Undry. Now there's a passionate race, much more interesting than humans. Their males rip out a single tooth after copulation and the bare gums of a young buck causes quite a stir."

"What a lovely culture." Picard said sleepily. "I hope you don't find me selfish if I take some time recuperating before reciprocating."

"Selfish?" Q laughed. "No. You really think you're being a gentleman, don't you? Offering me your derisory delights." Q mocked him.

"You didn't seem so detached from sensation a few minutes ago." Jean-Luc remarked. "I believe you enjoy physicality more than you let on."

"Hm, well I assure you that I can achieve a much more satisfactory level of titillation than your clumsy, limited form could _ever_ accomplish." Q replied. "I merely allow you to put forth the effort."

"Let's say I believed that." Jean-Luc challenged, "even so, sex is not about the _big finish_ ," Jean-Luc replied as he dozed. "Sometimes the best sex is in the journey and who you're sharing it with… building a connection."

"You can't imagine how pleased I am to hear you say that." Q replied. He pressed a strong kiss on Picard's cheek. "I agree wholeheartedly."

"...Is this why you let me live?" Picard asked him. "You couldn't sever our connection?"

"...I was wondering when you'd bring that up." Q said resting his head against Picard's. "You're my darling boyfriend and your reputation extends to my own." He explained. "The notorious Jean-Luc Picard _bested_ by a backwards peasant!" he proclaimed with a giggle. "It's just too silly. Humiliating. I was simply embarrassed for you, and frankly I didn't want to be damned with such a stupid, 'how did he die' story for eternity."

"Technically I was going to freeze to death, a much bleaker tale." Picard replied with his eyes closed. "Is my humiliation what really changed your mind?"

"Why so skeptical?"

"You never seemed all that concerned about humiliating me before." Jean-Luc said. "In fact, you seem to find pleasure in it.

"Hm." Q hummed as he stroked his fingers over Jean-Luc. A peaceful silence passed over them and Jean-Luc recognized he was in danger of falling asleep.

"So?" Picard asked, willing himself not to let his eyelids close.

"If you must know. ...I spared you because you showed potential." Q replied. "Laying there in an icy lump of despair, knowing any second you were going to be snuffed out, I just knew you were going to beg me for your life." He began. "Or make your last request something predictable, 'save my ship, save my crew, feed my fish when I'm gone!'" He mocked. He smiled. "But you didn't...the dying plea from your frostbitten lips was to receive my love." He turned his head to look at Jean-Luc. "You were _so sweet_." he said in an emphatic drawl.

The way Q was revelling in his death throes made Jean-Luc very uncomfortable.

"Although,"Q said reconsidering. "You _were_ knocking on death's door and I _was_ the only one around to give you a final goodbye," Q mused. "Still, it was a step in the right direction." he said with a shrug.

"Direction where?" Picard asked, dread over-taking him. "You say you love me, but if you did you wouldn't keep such secrets from me. That's not love."

Q laughed heartily. "Tell you what, Jean-Luc, I'll answer one of your questions in detail...just because I love you."

"Why was that Q on the Enterprise, what was he doing?" Picard asked.

"That's _two_ questions." Q sighed in exasperation as he rolled his eyes.

"I ask you to indulge me once more." Picard pressed him.

"...That Q was sent to inspect you." Q replied.

"Inspect me?" Picard repeated. Surely he wasn't so important to the Continuum. "What was he looking for?"

"Not sure." Q shrugged. "A gland that secretes pheromones, maybe? The Continuum thinks you've seduced me."

Picard's mouth dropped open in awe. He prompted himself up on his elbow to properly look at Q, who was refusing to look him in the face. "I seduce _you_? Is that possible?"

"Of course not!" Q snapped with instant anger. His tone made Picard suspect the entity had been asked that question and had fought this fight before. "They can't figure out why I'd bother with you, so their conclusion is you've drawn me in using nefarious methods."

"And they're nervous a 'chink in your armor' has been found." Picard thought aloud in heavy amusement. "An ordinary human seducing a Q, it's no wonder they're concerned."

"They can think what they want." Q said dismissively. Picard could tell the thought disturbed him.

"I've been dwelling on how dangerous our relations with one another could be for me, is this dangerous for you?" Picard asked.

"No, the Continuum doesn't _really_ care, they just want to revel in the gossip. What else would they do? They're completely unimaginative." Q scoffed. "We're something they don't understand and the Continuum always jumps when they don't understand something." Q said stiffly. "Everyone's saying how bizarre it is I'd take enjoyment in such base, lowly delights with such a miniscule creature."

"Ah, so you do enjoy human relations!" Picard proclaimed.

"...Barely." Q reluctantly relented.

"They're not...watching us now, are they?" Jean-Luc asked uneasily, his triumph waning.

"Yes and no. In ways you can't understand." Q said. Picard saw him become suddenly serious. "They see the kissing, the sexual relations, our insatiable appetite for each other," He said eagerly as he ran his hands over Jean-Luc's chest and hips. "But what they don't see is the journey- the one you mentioned- _our_ journey." Q sighed gripping Jean-Luc tightly and pushed their naked pelvises against each other. "They don't understand it." He said, his eyes wide.

"Journey _where_? Are you trying to tell me something? I don't understand." Picard said. Q's gaze pierced through him uncomfortably.

"You understand more than you think." Q replied. "If only you allowed yourself to hear what I've been telling you. But you're too frightened- your thoughts are too dull as it slogs through that sluggish, human brain."

"Perhaps if you were to communicate it plainly-" Jean-Luc requested.

"I have." Q said impatiently. "You're not listening- or you're too dim... I haven't decided which."

"Q, you've been dragging this mystery out for months." Picard said. His patience for being left in the dark concerning Q and himself was beyond thin. "I find myself quickly not giving a damn and closer to ending everything between us. You're just not worth the trouble."

"Temper, temper, _mon capitaine_. You don't want to spoil our intimate moment, do you?" Q said, giving him another tight squeeze.

"Ugh." Picard scowled.

"Fine. Be that way." Q huffed releasing him. "You really know how to make an entity feel special." He said under his breath.

"...I apologize if I hurt your feelings." Jean-Luc said.

"As if you could." Q muttered.

"Clearly I did." Picard argued. He sighed. "It was...very nice that you came by. Thank you."

Q gave him a true smile. Picard fought the urge to roll his eyes and instead responded enthusiastically as Q leaned in and gave him an intimate kiss. One of Riker's snores cut through the room and Picard suddenly felt very exposed. He pulled away from the kiss.

"I think that's my cue to leave." Q said softly. "Goodnight, Jean-Luc." he said lifting up his fingers to snap.

"Ah- before you go," Jean-Luc said laying a hand on Q's arm. Q's eyebrows rose at the gesture. "Could you please move Riker back onto the bed?"

* * *

Jean-Luc drifted in and out of a light sleep trying not to think too much on how he kept seeing Q in his mind. When he felt a hand rest on his chest he awoke thinking perhaps Q had returned.

"Relax, it's just me." Beverly said quietly.

The room was dim but sunlight had seeped through the curtains. He could see Beverly digging through her medkit to pull out a hand scanner.

"What time is it?" Jean-Luc asked.

"Early. I'm just tending to your injuries." Beverly informed him. She pulled back the covers and picked up his left hand. Whatever she intended to do she stopped after she observed his fingers; she frowned and reached for his other hand.

"Something wrong, Doctor?" Picard asked.

"No that's just it...your hands." Beverly said flipping it over in astonishment. "They're healed."

"Ah." Picard said. He removed his hand out of her grip with some embarrassment.

She lifted an eyebrow. "You don't sound very surprised." She remarked suspiciously.

"Yes…" Picard said searching for a diplomatic way to explain.

"Q?" She questioned drawing her own conclusions.

"Yes." Picard repeated.

"They would have healed on their own." She said standing over him. She didn't scold him but she didn't have to. She was clearly disappointed in him. Jean-Luc wondered if Wesley's obedience was somehow tied to her ability to make him feel shame.

"I didn't ask him to do it nor did I trade him anything, he just did it." Picard explained.

"So he was here last night." Beverly said watching him closely.

"Briefly." Picard replied.

"And what did he want?" Beverly asked him.

"To talk." Picard said.

"In the middle of the night?" She said knowingly.

Jean-Luc didn't want to lie to her- she seemed to know everything anyway. He laid back into his pillow and closed his eyes instead of expanding on his sordid relations with Q.

"When you tell him to leave but allow him to stay you're not doing yourself any favors." She said cryptically.

He knew she was right. Something inside of him wanted to tell her it wasn't any of her business, that he was a grown man fully capable of making his own choices, that she didn't understand what was going on between them, but he recognized all those indignant responses were born from his shame. It was then he came to a disturbing revelation, maybe something she suspected long ago, the truth was deep down he didn't want to reject Q.

"Aw, this mattress isn't doing any favors for my back." Riker groaned as he rubbed below his shoulder blades. "How are you feeling, Captain?"

"He's perfectly healthy." Beverly remarked. "Thanks to Q."

Riker frowned. "What does that mean?"

"It's not important." Picard said dismissively. "What is important is continuing our investigation into Commander Kelly's disappearance."

"Sir, I would feel better if you returned to the Enterprise." Riker stated.

"Yes, I think we've hit a point where Lieutenant Worf and would be more suited to deal with Gates than myself." Picard said standing up. He climbed out of bed and crossed the room to fetch his uniform. "Let's go fetch him, shall we?"

"Yes Sir." Riker agreed retrieving his phaser.

* * *

"What do you mean it's 'dysfunctional'?" Riker scowled. "We used the console only yesterday."

The landing party had stumbled upon an unexpected hurdle. When they entered the console room they found the communication device in shambles and one of Gates' maintenance people tinkering with the ancient controls. Knobs and bobs were scattered on the floor.

They had been asked to leave and assured the console would be working within a few days.

The woman shrugged at Riker's objection. "It's a machine, they break." She said as if that was the end to it.

"It broke between the few hours of last night and this morning? It just _happened_?" Riker spat venomously.

"Yes." The woman said eyeing him with disgust. She turned to the landing party with a shrug. "It's the storms, they've gotten more turbulent than the weather controller can handle."

"No kidding." Riker snapped. He didn't hide how unconvinced he was from her.

She watched them stoically as Data stepped forward towards the console and conducted a scan.

"The console has malfunctioned and is missing parts, most specifically those used to send out a wide-range broadcast." Data informed them.

"Because I'm repairing them." she told them in a long-suffering voice.

"The hell you are-!" Riker insisted angrily.

"Ah, Number One," Picard interrupted him. "We'll obviously get nowhere here." He said. "Let us go to the source of our malcontent." He turned to the woman. "Mr. Gates is in, is he not?"

"He is." She replied tentatively.

"I could die of shock." Riker snapped.

"Is he in his office?" Troi asked her.

"As far as I know." She replied.

Picard was the first one to exit the room. He stomped on the ugly colored rug all the way to Gates' office. He didn't bother to knock as he pushed open the door.

Gates was reading a book on his desk and had the gall to look surprised as Jean-Luc marched towards him.

"Good morning. I didn't expect to see you here, Captain." Gates greeted him in a measure of confusion.

"Oh I refuse to believe that." Picard replied argumentatively.

"I beg your pardon?" Gates replied.

"Enough of this facade! If the communications console isn't restored and I can't contact my ship within the hour I will consider these curiously methodical hindrances an act of war!" Picard shouted.

Gates removed a pair of reading glasses from his face. His demeanor of hospitality was replaced by one of cold indifference. The landing party stood tall as they spread out in a stern line.

"You may be quick to go to war Captain, but we are not a warlike people." He said calmly.

"No, your people prefer more indirect methods of attack." Picard snapped.

"Captain, I'm surprised at this outburst-" Gates said.

"I suspect it's also surprising for you to see me so alive and well." Picard retorted.

"...I don't like what you're implying." Gates replied.

"And we don't like what you're doing." Riker spoke up. "Frankly we're sick of it."

Gates' unhappy gaze settled on each one of them before he rose from his seat.

"I assure you that we would like nothing more than to have a functional communications console." Gates replied tight lipped. "...Your hysteria is exactly why we prefer to be left alone. When the console is restored I respectfully request you depart."

"We're not going anywhere, Mr. Gates." Picard said in a soft, dangerous voice. "Not until our investigation is through. Do you understand?"

"Yes Captain." He said as his nostrils flared. "You've made yourself perfectly clear."

* * *

"Now what?" Riker asked as they stepped into the street.

The town was back to being populated though still just sparely so. All pretenses of what little civility and politeness greeted them was gone as the townsfolk nakedly glared while walking by.

An elderly woman spat at their feet as she slowly shuffled past. Troi's mouth dropped open in shock as she left them behind making a rude gesture.

"Looks like the honeymoon's over." Beverly announced glumly.

"A honeymoon?" Data questioned. "I was unaware any in our party recently got married. If so, I hope it would not be out of line to say this mission was a poor choice for relaxation and celebration."

Jean-Luc couldn't help but think about his lovely night with Q while the rest of his crew found amusement in Data's nativite.

"We can't stay here." Troi announced. "I don't know how much longer we have before the colony openly turns hostile."

"Your orders, Captain?" Riker asked.

Jean-Luc gave himself some quiet time to think. They were in a quite a bad situation and things were looking grim and their mission to find Kelly was turning even bleaker.

"If we can't use the communications console we'll have to rely on our own devices." Picard reasoned.

"But the ion storms make that impossible." Riker replied.

"I'm beginning to wonder if it's as impossible as we were lead to believe." Picard stated. "Perhaps there's a way we could cut through the interference and send out a signal to the Enterprise."

Data was frowning no doubt he making some sort of brilliant calculation in his mind.

"The weather controller- I saw it at the grove!" Beverly announced excitedly.

"I could boost the signal or use it to clear a concentrated point in the ionic atmosphere." Data said.

"I don't think we'll get a better chance." Picard said. "We'd better get a move-on before they realize our plans and interfere. Between Beverly and I, I think we have a good chance of retracing our steps to this grove."

Ignoring the glares from their hosts they set off on foot in a swift pace.

* * *

Their comfort grew as they put some distance between themselves and the general population. Once outside the town limits they began to make their way towards the sacred grove.

"What's this?" Riker said interrupting their journey. He bent down and inspected two long, deep marks in the dirt pathway that veered off into the treeline.

"Maybe a carriage that went off the road?" Troi suggested.

Jean-Luc paused. He recognized this area. "This is the place I found Kelly's combadge." he announced.

Data pulled out his tricorder and scanned. "I sense no life forms other than ourselves in the immediate area." he announced.

"I want to see where these lead." Riker said eagerly. "With your permission, Captain."

"Yes Number One, it may be important." Picard nodded. He looked behind him to make sure they weren't being watched or followed before he joined the group into the woods.

The tracks were deep and they left rivets in the snow, it was very simple for them to see where they led. It was a bit confusing when they ended abruptly with no vehicle or unusual object in sight.

"Captain, there is a tunnel below us." Data announced as he read his tricorder.

The landing party circled the area inspecting the ground.

"I've found something." Deanna said as she brushed some loose snow away from a point in the ground.

They huddled around her to see a wooden, weathered hatch with an iron loop for a handle on the frozen soil. It was decorated by a striking image of a deer skull painting.

"I have a bad feeling about this." Beverly muttered as she clutched her medical bag tighter to herself.

Data reached down and pulled the wooden hatch in an effortless jerk. It revealed an iron ladder, their pathway was lit by an unknown source below.

"I will go first." Data volunteered. Picard nodded.

They then descended in the frigid ground in single file. The tunnel was cramped but a long row of lanterns lit the way. They followed the tunnels in silence a concrete archway lined the walls.

"The walls are wet." Troi said as she brushed her hand on the concrete.

"Data, are we under the river?" Beverly asked.

With his elbows tight against his body Data lifted his tricorder and began to read the area. "There is indeed a body of water above us." He said.

"I bet this pathway leads to the grove." Picard guessed. "We can't be far now."

Again they marched in silence. Not a single light dimmed or was burnt out, the tunnel was well-maintained which suggested to Jean-Luc regular use.

"We have reached the end of the tunnel." Data announced as he stopped the line. He looked up and began to climb an identical iron latter to the one they had come down.

When Data broke to the surface he left their view only to bend over the entrance.

"Captain, the town is here." Data told them.

"You mean we've looped back?" Riker said close behind.

"No, what I meant was, the entire town's population is here." Data clarified. "They seem to be awaiting our arrival. They are costumed."

"Phasers set to stun." Riker said quickly below him. Data's strange observation made Riker's skin crawl. He was still on the ladder he spared a hand to draw his phaser. It was awkward but he managed to get to the surface with Data's help.

It took some time for everyone to reach the top with phasers in their hand as they emerged from the hatch one-by-one. Picard could tell from the tension in Riker's stance that things had taken a turn for the worse.

When Picard was able to survey his surroundings he found his guess was right.

Three hundred people, all in elaborate garb, stared wordlessly at the landing party wearing masks of several woodland animals. There was a family of rabbits in the front, and a few foxes peppered the clearing before breaking into some of the more powerful animals. Badgers, bears, and even what looked like an odd locus or two faced them. The weather console was about nine meters and fifty people stood between the party and it.

"What the fresh hell is this?" Riker muttered.

"Looks a little different last time I was here." Beverly said nervously.

Picard wished he hadn't his Counselor's horrified expression as she surveyed the scene wide-eyed.

The pit of Jean-Luc's stomach dropped when a tall figure decorated with a pair of buck's antlers stepped forward.

"Welcome fools!" Gates voice boomed. He didn't have to shout. There was an eerie silence among the colony, not a single person was speaking or moving. "Witness how all outsiders find the sacred grove!"

"There wasn't too many places to go, Gates." Riker said critically. Gates' nose wrinkled in dislike.

"'All outsiders'? Did Kelly find this place too?" Picard asked in a level tone.

"Oh yes." Gates replied. "See?"

The crowd had been blocking something behind Gates. One-by-one they stepped aside to reveal a grisly sight.

Beverly couldn't suppress a gasp of shock. She was the first to recognize the human bones arranged in a grotesque alter. The only alteration was a crown made of antlers on a predominately showcased skull.

"Why?" Picard asked with a scowl.

"Our gods demand death...the great Aog has never ceased to provide fresh sacrifices, his hand stretches wide across the universe." Gates spoke as his eyes flashed with madness.

"We came to investigate the disappearance of Kelly, it wasn't your god that brought us here!" Picard snapped. "You saw the transmission from Starfleet!"

"And lo, Aog stretched out his hand and delivered unto his faithfuls the flesh of heathens-" Gates spoke in a rich, loud voice.

"They're insane!" Riker said pointing his phaser at Gates. He motioned for Deanna and Beverly to get behind him as Data and Jean-Luc spread out to shield them. "We need to get to the weather console."

"The weather control doesn't just shield us from the ion storms." One of the rabbits in the front said stepping towards them.

It was Catherine and she was smiling sweetly under the shroud of shadow casted under her hood. "Your weapons are useless." She said to Will. She looked past the First Officer and spoke, "Please come with us." in gentle tones.

"I think I'm fine right here." Deanna remarked squeezing Will's arm.

Gates stepped forward and everyone behind him marched one single step at the same time. "Take the women for breeding." he ordered a mountainous man dressed as a bear on his right.

"Over my dead body!" Riker shouted angrily.

"That's the idea." Someone in the crowd said. The comment drew a disturbing amount of laughter.

The front line lurched and costumed people rushed at the party with a twisted fury in their expressions. Their phasers proved useless just as Catherine had promised them. Riker threw his weapon in anger at her face- her mask only protected her from the nose upward, and she shouted in alarm as it smacked hard against her mouth. She cried in anger.

It would have been satisfying if their situation wasn't so terrifying.

"I have NO intention-" Riker grunted as he threw an elbow in the face of a man, "of turning into-" he kicked a woman with a knife in the knee collapsing her, "your sick furniture, Gates!"

Picard saw Riker slowly become buried with the bodies of their aggressors.

"Data- the weather console!" Picard shouted as he ducked a right hook. "Disable-"

He wasn't able to finish his thought. Something heavy clipped the back of his head and the world swayed as he made a dizzying journey to the ground. With a shaky hand he wiped the back of his head and felt warm, sticky blood oozing between his fingers.

A mallet dropped inches from his face and he saw Troi's boots stop quickly in front of him, he figured she must have broken free and disarmed his attacker. It wasn't long before she too was overpowered.

"And now, Captain Picard," Gates hissed over him. "You will join the valley of the dead."

A power surge began to crackle and a slow light began to engulfed them.

"Noooo!" Gates screamed. "Don't let them escape- it will ruin us!"

* * *

There was something tied around his head. His bloodstained fingers fiddled with the knot of the soft, sheer fabric.

"Don't touch it." Beverly said softly.

"We made it to the ship?" Picard groaned.

"I believe O'Brien beamed us back to the Enterprise, but only for a moment." Beverly told him. She was speaking calmly but she looked worried.

"What do you mean 'for a moment'?" Picard said struggling to sit up. His head was pounding where the mallet had clipped him and battled the sick wave of nausea. "Where are we?"

"...I don't really know how to answer that question-" Beverly started.

Picard let out a cry of pain as the sound of a gavel slammed through his skull.

"Order in the court, the court will have order!" A woman shouted.

Beverly helped Jean-Luc to his feet as he snarled at the slew of men and women surrounding them, all dressed in the dreaded Continuum judge-clothing.

"Please just take it easy, Captain."

Jean-Luc turned his head to see Troi dressed in a long, flowing gown colored a deep red. It was the same colour red as his commanding uniform which he thought an odd choice. Beverly was wearing the same curious gown and even Ensign Hill had curiously shown up. He recognized the wrapping around his head was made of the same material.

"Hi." Miss Hill waved to the Captain awkwardly as he stared at her in surprise. "Are you alright, Captain?"

"What?" Jean-Luc asked. He wasn't sure if his confusion stemmed from the blow to the head or if things were really that nonsensical.

"I'm so glad you didn't get cold feet." Q said. "Oh, you've accessorized." Q snapped his fingers and an identical red sash was wrapped around his head. He faced Beverly and his smile turned cold. "Thanks for keeping him warm for me, I'll take it from here."

Jean-Luc held his head in his hands and groaned in agony, he barely registered Q's words as he struggled to stop swaying. The room felt as if it was spinning.

"Can't you see he has a concussion?" Beverly snapped at Q. "He's very hurt."

"Don't be so dramatic." Q said waving his hand.

The pain and dizziness left instantly and Picard felt his thoughts flow more free.

The room they were in was very nondescript though if pressed Jean-Luc thought it looked somewhat like a Federation meeting room. Against a wall seven Continuum members were seated in long, straight-backed chairs. They watched Picard and Q stoically.

"Q, why are we here? What has the Continuum accused us of?" Picard asked.

"Accused?" One of the seated Q repeated with a laugh. "Nothing- well, not concerning this."

"I don't understand," Jean-Luc admitted as he faced them. "Is this not a court of law?"

"It is." The woman said.

"Why are we here!?" Jean-Luc shouted. "Would someone please tell me what the hell is going on!?"

Q snapped his fingers and all three of Picard's officers were holding large bouqets of roses. Only Beverly dared to throw hers on the ground while white doves flew above them.

"The details aren't quite right, but I had such little time to plan." Q said to him apologetically. He hooked Jean-Lucs arm in his and dragged him in front of the "We're ready to begin, your honor."

Picard's mouth dropped open in horror. "What, is this-?" he rambled. The way Beverly and Deanna was looking away from his confusion confirmed his horrible suspicions "Q, are you trying to _marry_ me?"

"Trying." Q scoffed. "If they'd only just get on with it."

"No." Jean-Luc said ripping his arm out of Q's. Q shot him an offended look. "Never."

"One moment." Q said with a smile to the Continuum. His smile died as he rounded on Jean-Luc. "You promised me anything." Q hissed forcing his hand back into his. "And this is what you're promising me."

"That's impossible- I won't do it." Picard spat angrily. "Of all the _obtuse_ , _distasteful_ , _immoral_ -!"

"It's going to be one of those long ceremonies, isn't it?" One of the Q complained as he crossed his arms and settled into his chair.

"I'm praying it'll be 500 years, tops." Another groaned.

"There will be no ceremony!" Picard shouted.

The two complaining Q's moods brightened at Picard's declaration, but Q himself wasn't so cheerful as he cupped Picard's shoulder and wrenched him in a powerful jolt so they were facing one-another.

"You're going back on your word?" Q asked him, his eyes flashing with rage. "Do you really think that's prudent?"

"Q...I know I promised you anything, but not this. Not marriage." Picard said trying to adopt a more reasonable tone. "I beg you-"

"That wasn't our agreement." Q scowled. "You said it yourself, you offered me anything and what I want in return is for us to be partnered for eternity."

Jean-Luc felt the blood drain out of his face. After his bizarre encounter with the murderous Three Jacks Colony he didn't think he could stomach any more dreadful surprises. His mind felt oddly detached from his body as he turned to face the court. The other Q were watching him in amusement as if he were on stage of some tragic play instead of fighting against his life becoming wrecked. Picard thought if Q refused to be swayed his best shot of ending his nightmare would be to throw himself on the mercy of the court.

"I can't marry him." Picard pleaded to the court. "This is wrong! I know you've been keeping tabs on our union, I've sensed your trepidation- I don't think you believe it right either."

The hand holding cupping Picard's shoulder constricted painfully. He gritted his teeth as the Continuum watched on.

"As you can see I am being strong-armed into this union and such a permanent arrangement can't be made under duress!" Picard shouted. "All of you- you've lived for billions of years- Q and I have only been together for mere moments! A whisper in your time! This is a decision made in great haste to serve Q's ulterior motives!"

"It's true we've been watching you, Captain." One of the female Q spoke. "Your reaction is unexpected. Your actions in the past show you've been very willing to engage with Q." There was a tense pause.

"Those engagements were manipulations." Picard said. Q's nostrils flared, but he remained silent.

"But you've joined with him multiple times," The Q woman said. "In your...crass, physical, human way." She criticized. "You feel nothing for him?"

"I have very strong feelings for him, but it's nothing akin to love." Jean-Luc replied.

"That's not true." Q said as he took the stand. "We know he feels love for me. He's merely frightened," his expression softened. "like a dumb animal."

"An animal that senses a predator!" Picard snarled.

"Enough." The woman-Q said holding up a hand. She turned to Picard with interest. "You believe Q forced himself on you?"

"Not exactly- no." Picard admitted uncomfortably. "But...even if we have been together from time to time, that doesn't mean I am prepared to be partnered with Q for life...and beyond it."

"This is a waste of time." Q said. He turned to the Continuum. "I"ve brought you everything you've asked for- three human advocates, a testimony of our relations and submitted him to an inspection."

"Damn their requests- you need my consent, Q!" Picard snarled at him.

"So give it or the Crusher boy will die!" Q snapped back at him. "That was our trade!"

"Do you not hear this blackmail!?" Picard shouted to the court.

"The human doesn't sound like he wants to partner with you, Q." The female Q said, smirking.

"He's confused." Q said dismissively. "And a little- ah- _limited_." He said tapping his temple with his forefinger.

"All this ruckus," The English-Q scoffed. "Loud! Dramatic! The two of them are already mated, just recognize them or Q will drag it on for centuries."

"I do not belong with him!" Picard said firmly. "And I will not be pushed into an arranged marriage for your amusement! I have no intentions of partnering with Q."

"Everything we have done together points to the opposite of that claim." Q spoke to the court.

"Many people share their lives together without being wed." Beverly spoke up.

"Stay out of this." Q snapped at her.

"Am I really going to be forced?" Jean-Luc pleaded with the court.

"Don't look at them, look at me." Q snarled. He pulled Jean-Luc into another face-to-face confrontation. "Is it true or not you owe me a debt, Picard?"

"...It is true." Picard admitted. "But I never would have entered that deal had I known what it would come to."

"Well," Q sighed. "That can easily enough be rescinded. I can take us all back to the moment the life was slowly being strangled out of young Wesley Crusher. Say the word, Jean-Luc and you'll be back on your ship with one less Ensign."

"...We must be able to come to another agreement." Picard pleaded.

"No." Q said simply.

"There must be something else you want-"

"I'll make this simple to match your simple, little mind, Picard," Q snarled. "Wesley Crusher, does he _live_? Or does he _die_?" he asked in clipped tones. "Answer loudly so the court can hear you."

Beverly was nodding her head as she fought to hold back tears. With some horror Jean-Luc recognized she was giving him her approval to have Wesley killed. A powerful bout of nausea gripped him.

"He lives. I agree to the partnership." Picard said hoarsely. Regret instantly flooded him as soon as the words were said.

Q turned to the court with a smile on his face. "There you have it, your honors. You have no grounds to refuse me."

The female-Q lifted a single eyebrow "Alright Q...the court recognizes your union to this… sad human."

A kiss was forcibly placed on his lips and Picard felt the life being sucked out of him. He recognized he was close to passing out again.

Picard wondered if he had met an ugly fate back on NaCove and if all this was a fantasy constructed from his bad head injury.

No such luck.

He found himself sitting in his office chair in his ready room quite conscious and fully healed.

* * *

There was a ring at his ready room and Picard couldn't muster the energy to invite anyone inside. Despite his reluctance to give permission Beverly stepped through the doors.

"Oh." Picard said as she cautiously approached him. "Hello."

"I...um, wanted you to know that I checked up on Wesley. He's fine." Beverly said. "Don't get me wrong, Jean-Luc…" Beverly started. She seemed to have changed her mind with what she was going to say. She licked her lips. "Thank you." she whispered as her eyes finally released tears.

"...I could hardly allow your son to die...especially since you have been the only one truly trying to save me from...matrimony." Picard said.

"You've suffered quite a shock." Beverly told him.

It's true he was tired but emotionally he felt drained.

"Why did you continue to sleep with him?" Beverly asked him. For the first time she mentioned Q without judgement. "It really hurt your defense." She stiffened. "If you had only stayed away from him you might have convinced the court to completely break off his plans for you."

"...I know." Picard said softly as he pressed his lips to his hands. "You tried to warn me but I was too arrogant to listen." He replied. 'I couldn't have imagined what was at stake."

There was a flash of light and Q appeared sitting down on the couch with his feet on the upholstery.

"Hello... _husband_." Q purred. To say he looked pleased was an understatement, his eyes were sparkling with mirth and he shifted in his seat as if unable to contain his delight.

"Hasn't he been tormented enough?" Beverly snapped at him.

"He's come to gloat." Picard growled.

"Nonsense, I've come to tell you how proud I am of you." Q informed Picard. "You kept your word and look at all you have to show for it; you've repaid a debt and saved a life...and you got married. How exciting! I used to think your grandiose show of selflessness was an act, but you've proved me wrong, you've really-"

"I don't care what you think!" Picard shouted standing from his chair.

Q opened his mouth and his gaze wandered over to Beverly.

"Excuse us." Q said to her. "I can tell he's winding up for one of _those_ conversations."

Picard found he had materialized in his quarters, more specifically in bed in Q.

Q rolled his eyes. "I don't know why you're acting so mortified. We were enjoying ourselves!" He said latticing his hands together behind his head. "Didn't you want to make an honest man out of me?"

"You're neither honest nor a man." Jean-Luc reminded him as he climbed out of the bed.

"Mm. You've got me there, _mon capitaine_." Q hummed.

"What was the purpose of this union? Could you not think of other ways to humiliate me?" Jean-Luc asked him. "Are you really so bored with eternity you would foist a partnership on me?"

" _Au contraire_ , I only have your best interests at heart and those best interests have been leading us into a romantic partnership." He stretched on the bed. "You humans call it 'marriage', although I don't believe your understanding of the institution translates very well into our union."

"If you think I'm going to play along with this sham you're as mad as Gates and all his misguided, lunatic followers combined." Jean-Luc spat at him.

"You have yet to refuse the madness of my advances." Q replied. He held out his hand and squeezed Picard gently between the legs.

A hot rage boiled over in Picard's chest.

"Get your damn hands off me!" Picard roared. He made a spirited shove to Q's arm effectively causing Q to release him.

"Ow." Q proclaimed with genuine surprise. He pressed a hand against his forearm and regarded Picard with extreme interest. "Well not really 'ow', it didn't hurt... but the viciousness of your attack! Jean-Luc, I had no idea you were such a savage!"

"I may not be able to stop your perversions but you will never have my consent!" Picard snapped at him.

"I guess what they say is true, the sex really does wind down after marriage." Q sighed. Jean-Luc shot him a look of pure loathing. "Dear god, I can see past that furrowed brow that you're honestly worried I'll violate you." He said sitting up on the bed. "I'll allow you to paint me the villain in this amusing tantrum of yours, but before you ruin it by launching into a boring, self-righteous speech on honor, understand that I have no interest in carnal desires with you as an unwilling participant."

"I don't believe you." Picard replied.

Q let out a disappointed sigh. "I knew you were going to be stubborn." He gave Picard a cautious look before grabbing his hand. "May I hold this? May I kiss this?" he asked with a mocking expression of innocence.

Picard glowered at him without commenting.

"So tiresome." Q remarked softly with a laugh. Still Jean-Luc was silent. "Alright, I know this has been hard on you but it had to be done. You'll thank me later." He kissed the fingers gently. "Don't fret, Jean-Luc. To quote the Bard, 'the course of true love never did run smooth'."

Picard was searching for a retort when the flash of light blinded him and his hand fell to his side. He was alone again.

Jean-Luc looked down at his hand and saw Q had left a gold band on his ring finger.

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you guessed the movie The Wicker Man, congratulations!
> 
> I wouldn't say this was my most humorous fic, but it did put everything I wanted in position for my next one. I am planning on the installment being shorter (thus you not having to wait as long for it), and it will be funnier.


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